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Every person possesses traits that are considered masculine or feminine. Can we express our masculinity or femininity freely in public? Sadly, the answer is no. Gertrud Kasemaa, a doctoral student at the Tallinn University Institute of Educational Sciences explains why.

From the moment we are born (or, according to some research, already when we are still in the womb), we start to learn how to be a boy or a girl and it becomes clear to us that some manners are approved of and others are shunned, depending on our gender.

When a boy, who happens to be more sensitive and empathic than average and is interested in so-called feminine subjects, expresses himself accordingly, he will be condemned, ridiculed or just misunderstood. For example, his father might say boys should not play with dolls or his friends would tell him that only girls cry.

When a girl, who happens to be more ambitious and tough than the average and is interested in so-called masculine areas, expresses herself accordingly, she will also be condemned, ridiculed or misunderstood. For example, her teacher could say that girls should not speak up in classes or friends would ask why she’s not wearing make-up.

A girl could go study informatics or engineering without being considered weird. Female CEOs are becoming more common, even though the media still focuses on their family life and looks.

When a boy wants to become a teacher, though, people will ask why a man would want to work with children. Or why would a young father want to stay at home with his children instead of focusing on his career? Due to such difference in valuing masculinity and femininity, the boys who are not traditionally masculine in their habits and actions, tend to lose out.

The feedback to acting in a recommended or untraditional way does not come just from adults. Children value the approval of their peers and friends greatly. Often the aspiration to belong in a group will emphasise the gender stereotypical behaviour: even when a boy would like to play with dolls, he does not as he is afraid his friends will mock him. Or when a teenage boy likes books and learning, he would have to hide it from his classmates in order to not get the title of a softy or a nerd.

Girls are taught to be humble, unpretentious, orderly and patient. An independently acting and thinking ambitious woman does not fit into this frame. Expressing feelings, being empathic and emotional are considered female traits and therefore unacceptable in men. This, in Gertrud Kasemaa’s opinion is the reason why many men cannot handle their feelings in later life – they lack the experience from childhood.